Thursday, November 01, 2007

You're in a jam. You need some help.
Who ya gonna call?
Your patron saint, of course!!!
Everyone's covered!!
I did a little research. Here's an all-purpose (okay, ODD) assortment of Useful Saints. Yes, they are all real, honest-to-God (well, to the Catholic God) saints. Some were dropped off the official calendar in 1969, but that doesn't mean they aren't really saints. Those dropped off the list are just lying in wait for better times. I found all these and more on:
If you need a saint, a saint name (for baptism or confirmation), or just a good laugh, I heartily suggest taking a spin on that site.

I could have written their sad, sad stories, including a great deal of gore about their martyrdom, but I decided against piling on, with a couple exceptions. I listed what each is "for" and/or "against" but I'll tell you, that can be confusing. For example.... for: difficult children... or ... against? You be the judge!

In honor of All Saint's Day.... here goes:

1. St. Ursula - for writers, for a holy death, and for the British Virgin Islands (hey! the operative word here isn't "wtf?"... the operative word is "USEFUL" ...)

2. St. Expeditus - (I'm not kidding) - against procrastination, for merchants and navigators

3. St. K/Catherine of Alexandria - (very popular; has her own cultus which was outlawed by a pope) - she was tortured on the wheel, sooooo..... she's for craftsmen who work with a wheel, like potters and spinners, but also for knife grinders and knife sharpeners (and probably those knife thrower guys at the circus 'cuz that would combine spinning wheels and knives, right?); she's also for WRITERS (yippee!), scribes and teachers, AND... spinsters and old maids (well, maidens, too... go figure) ...and the saint for the University of Paris (rah! rah!)

4. St. Lucy - (not the one with the lights around her head; this is the Catholic list, the one who saved her mother from a hemorrhagic illness) - Lucy was sentenced to forced prostitution, but the guards sent to fetch her couldn't move her even when they hitched her to a team of oxen (Go Lucy!). So they tore out her eyes. Then, after trying to burn her at the stake (the fires wouldn't light) they stabbed her to death with a dagger in the throat. Wait! Wait... it all makes sense! For: the blind, sore throats, eye problems, the blind, and authors! Also for dysentery, hemorraghes, and stained glass workers.

5. St. Clothilde - for disappointing children; also for queens, widows, and parenthood. Honestly... I don't know if "disappointing" is a verb or an adjective in this sense. Either way... well, it's a mystery.

6. St. Monica - for alcoholics, difficult marriages, and victims of unfaithfulness, victims of verbal abuse, victims of adultery, wives, and mothers. I think she's our girl, ye Romance Writers!

7. St. Fiacre - for: taxi cabs, taxi drivers, tile makers and gardeners; against: hemorrhoids, sterility, syphilis, and venereal disease.

8. St. Martha - for dietitians and laundry workers, maids, and manservants. That covers me most days.

9. St. Ambrose of Milan - for: wax melters, bees, domestic animals, and learning

10. St. Angela of Foligno - for (or is that "against"???) sexual temptation (and why do they always throw "widows" into that mix?)

11. St. Draucinus - for invincible people and champions; against enemy plots

12. St. Hilary of Poitiers - against snakes, snake bites, and backward children (one must ask... who are these??)

13. St. Isidore of Seville - for computes and computer users and the internet; must therefore be against computer viruses, spam, and penis enlargment

1 comment:

Gina Ardito said...

Why do all the patron saints for writers connect with something...unpleasant? Or do all saints get a sprinkling of good things and bad? (i.e.: "You can be patron saint of deer who like Bambi, but you'll also have to be patron saint of oozing sores.")